Hello World!

We all want  one thing when it comes to mental health, and that is to be able to live our life to the fullest without restrictions. In reality,  our mental health affects every aspect of our lives, and being in poor health will have detrimental effects on all areas of our lives. Not the most positive introduction to start off the blog but I wanted to let you know that if you are looking for easy solutions, short-cuts and/or cures, this may not be for you. However if you want to find research based strategies, coping mechanisms focusing on CBT(Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises, bountiful resources to seek help and whimsical(sometimes even a bit cringy) suggestions that I have learned during my journey, then this is the blog for you! What I want to focus on is sharing my experience as an individual living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and my ever continuing journey to become the best version of myself. I hope you can join me for the ride as I share my stories, my ups and downs, strategies I have used to help cope with the diagnosis, and share in discussions with others that are feeling the same way as I am. Before we begin I want to make it very clear and will always include a disclosure for every blog I post in the beginning. If you feel you are having thoughts of harming yourself and others around, please seek medical attention by calling 911 or seek immediate help from mental health professionals. I want to include this since some parts of the blog may cause some sort of trigger if you have been experiencing mental health issues or are starting your mental health journey for the first time. This disclaimer isn’t to scare you off but to give a gentle reminder that if you need help please take it. I am in no way a licensed professional for treating individuals for mental health nor do I have the means to give you the immediate support you may need. Again, I am just a person who hopes that by sharing my experience and engaging in discussions on mental health, this can help you understand mental health and motivate you to stay on track as well.

My journey towards mental health started in 2014 when I was first diagnosed with a panic attack at an ER when I left my night class in a panic. I, like most people, assumed that the ER doctors would be able to tell me what was wrong, pop a pill and go on with my day. The universe, (or whomever/whatever you choose to believe in) however, had a different plan for me. I still recall when the doctor and the students came by my bed, while I was alone and high out of my mind due to painkiller meds, the doctor telling the students of “this is what a person with a panic attack looks like”. I felt terrible, I felt ashamed, and the way the students looked at me made me feel like a lab rat. Worst of all, I felt like I wasn’t even a person. An object for observation. After that wonderful experience, I went to the doctor the next day, who let me know in a kinder way, that I had experienced a panic attack and proceeded to show me by having me stick out my hands. I still remembered how freaked out I was when I saw my fingers trembling non-stop. At the time I couldn’t understand what could possibly be causing my fingers to shake uncontrollably and my sudden need to drive myself to the ER the previous night. My 2020 self wants to face palm in embarrassment just thinking of this.  I was a full time student at a very competitive university, I was a tutor for a special needs kiddo (30 hours a week), I was a research assistant for 2 university labs which totaled 20 hours a week, and I wasn’t living on campus so commuting was part of my daily life. Worst of all, all of my friends and my significant other were nowhere near me. I truly felt alone at school and even had a hard time making friends at college because I was in the mindset of trying to finish school ASAP to be the first in my family to graduate. Also, I was on a scholarship with tuition paid for only 2 years so I definitely had to make the most out of the opportunity.  With so many things happening it’s honestly no wonder that I eventually had to crack under the pressure. Eventually my college life did come to an end. I was able to get help, I sought therapy, saw a psychiatrist and went on to be the first to graduate college in my family. Things were pretty good for a while, as I was eager to get started on my career and felt that this was the beginning of my new adventure. 

Any of us who have suffered from anxiety and depression can probably figure out where this was going. My panic attacks started coming back, slowly but surely. Little by little my loved ones around me could see that there was something off. I started to isolate myself more, I was terrified of trying new things, and I always seemed to be too exhausted to do anything. It also didn’t help that I was still pushing myself with jobs, volunteering and fulfilling my family obligations. Tensions between my parents were still on the rise and I seemed to feel more irritable at the time. After the increase of anxiety and depression (didn’t even realize it was at the time) finally the “big one” came. It was November 2017, I was getting ready to drive to a birthday celebration at a fancy restaurant and I could physically feel myself having vision problems. Since it was at night, it felt like the first time all the lights were overwhelming me. I tried my best to do some breathing exercises while I was driving however all it did was make the anxiety worse. Thankfully I safely arrived but the feeling wasn’t  going away. Even typing this out is making me feel uncomfortable as I recall the experience of that night. I could feel the cold sweat, my heart pounding, my head feeling overwhelmed feeling the world go by me quickly and not being able to keep up. I truly questioned my sanity telling myself what is real and what isn’t. Even being in the company of others, for the celebration I just felt like I wasn’t there. I can’t help but feel emotional when I recall this experience, it was the most frightening experience of anxiety and depression I ever had. Thankfully my husband was able to meet me there as I told him what I was experiencing. I remember stepping out in the patio section, both of us alone, just holding him as he hugged me. I don’t think my husband realized at that time but he really saved my sanity. I remember wanting to cry but instead focusing and holding him feeling like a child being cradled. I truly had to thank the universe that my husband was there to bring me back to reality and shuddered to think what could have happened that night if he wasn’t there. That night I knew that I needed to help but this time instead of looking for temporary fixes, I knew something had to change. So really my journey had officially begun in November 2017 and here we are now,  with myself as a continuous work in progress. 

It’s sort of funny to think back on everything I went through to where I am today. Even after that experience it still took some time before I could have sought a therapist I was truly comfortable with, learning some new strategies and coming to terms with the thought of taking medication. So trust me the journey is far from over. Also I feel emotionally drained just from writing this! It isn’t easy to confront one of the scariest experiences of my life in a blog, but I truly hope that this blog will show how much heart and soul I am pouring into this because I want to give the help that I wish had when I was at my lowest. Unfortunately the media and even some platforms seemed to be so focused on how to “fix” us and it feels like there is a sea of misinformation all around. So please follow me on this journey as I share not only my story, but also a few useful things I have learned along the way as well 🙂